Children!!!!

• You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. 
  • Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
• There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
• Chinese Proverb
  • Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child, she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
• Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
• Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
• The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
• We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
• Be nice to your kids. 
  They'll choose your nursing home.

SUCCESS!!

At age   4, success is
..............not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is   
...............having friends.
At age 20, success is   
...............having sex.
At age 35, success is   
...............making money.
At age 60, success is   
...............having sex.
At age 70, success is   
...............having friends.
At age 80, success is   
...............not peeing your pants.

1. You've never met any celebrities. 
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 
3. "Vacation" means going to the Finger Lakes, Adirondacks or grandmas.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands--- ten years after they were popular. 
5. You measure distance in minutes. 
6. You know several people who have hit a deer. 
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
8. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
9. You think ethanol makes your truck run better.
10. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. 
11. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
12. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
14. You end your sentence with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain or animal. 
16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
17. You think the four major food groups are beef, pork, beer and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 
18. You carry jumper cables in your car. 
19. You know what "Cow Tipping" and "Snipe Hunting" are. 
20. You only own three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 
21. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.  
22. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
23. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
24. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
25. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports.
26. You think deer season is a national holiday.
27. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
28. You find 20 Degrees F "a little chilly." 
29. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction. 
30. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 
    1000 or more.
31. Coke and Pepsi are "Pop" and a soda has ice cream.
32. Any car over two years old is rusted because of the salt on the roads.
33. You know the names of all the towns that are stops on the NYS Thruway. 
34. You have shoveled snow off the roof. And had snow in October and May. And the snow total per year is over 100", 
35. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends from upstate NY.

Midlife for Women

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!) 
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it"  in midlife... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Planned Life sent in by Sue Shaffer

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?

"Oh yes," said her friend. "first, I married a millionaire, then an actor.  My third marriage was to a preacher and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "what do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

The other answered:  "One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go."

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
                       By Dave Barry and Submitted by Mark Britton

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you cannot dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.    

EXERCISE                         

• It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

• I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

• The advantage of exercising every day is that  you die healthier.

• If you are going to try cross-county skiing,   start with a small country.

• I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my vodka tonic.

GROWING "OLD" WITH YOUR SPOUSE

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -- calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

 The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Webmaster, Nick Erway

Children

1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. 
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. 
3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing. 
4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb. 
5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. 
6. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. 
7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. 
8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 
9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 
10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in! 
11. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 

1. Sag, You're it! 
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 
4. Kick the bucket 
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 
6. Doc Doc Doc Goose 
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8.  Hide and go pee 
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 
10. Musical recliners 

Things I've Learned through the years in life!!!

On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today
          life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:

• a rainy day
• lost luggage
• tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website,
5. You chat several times a day with a friend from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have an e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can receive phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? 

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think! they're fooling? 

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: AND - they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! 

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.